I took a “nap”. Read: I felt like an old lady and conked out on the couch at 9:30pm.
Now I’m up. Blogging. What happened to my fabulous fun-filled Friday nights?
Kids, a few marriages/divorces later, and a borderline obsessive running hobby…that’s what happened!
I have 4 ridiculously amazing kids, the last of whom is a sweet 10 year old gamer with his own YouTube channel. Kai and I RARELY have parent-child struggles. He really is a mini-me so we get along like peas and carrots. But today was different. Today was the damned day that Black Ops 3 was released. Yes, I had pre-ordered it for him for his birthday but during the last few days leading up to today’s release, I warned him that he’d have to wait until later.
I thought we were on the same page, but it became evident that indeed, we were not. Kai came home from school excited because he thought we were somehow magically going to GameStop to pick up his coveted copy.
Sadly, mommy who has always “saved the day” as he’s often put it, just could not pull it off today. I had to have a very grown up talk with him regarding finances, priorities, and learning how to cope with not always getting what you want when you want it. My kids aren’t spoiled by any means, but I’ve always figured out a way to get them whatever they’ve needed and wanted.
I was tough today but inside, my heart was breaking. I absolutely despised having to say those dreaded words, “Honey, mommy just can’t afford it right now.” Growing up an immigrant and seeing my own parents struggle and hearing those same words, I put myself to work early, finding a newspaper route at 9 years old. Once I turned 13, I got my first waitressing gig when certain Dunkin Donuts had table service. Pretty much all through high school, I worked two part-time jobs, which ended up almost being full-time while still managing to get myself into an Ivy League college with a few scholarships to boot.
I think back to those resourceful times and I oftentimes wonder how I ended up as a struggling single mom. I’ve always worked hard. That was never the problem. If I’m completely honest with myself, I struggled through my marriages and divorces. So much guilt and anger…just imploding my life. I became the queen of self-sabotage and I struggled with basic integrity. It’s no wonder I attracted some of the unsavory relationships of my past. But the worst of it all, I stopped believing in myself.
Amazingly so, I didn’t realize this until today. I suppose it was a convergence of a few events…earlier today, this post popped up as one of those “on this day” several years ago FB nostalgia crap.
I was a bit shocked that several years had passed since I posted that. Had the belief in myself been restored? I was too busy to explore that in depth, what with the kids coming home early from school today…but it was definitely filed for “later”.
I think it was between mile 6 and 7 on my tempo run today that I had a mini crying bout. It’s not uncommon for distance runners to exhibit emotion at the most random moments. It’s all the endorphins wreaking havoc. I felt so sad about that stupid video game…mostly because, in a way, I had promised it to him and I couldn’t deliver. I was also annoyed at myself for not Body Gliding my inner thighs. I couldn’t push as hard as I could’ve because of raw chub rub chafing. I missed my 8:30min/mi target during mile 4 and 5 because of the discomfort!
It was at that moment I realized I really STILL don’t totally believe in myself. Life disappointments have really taken their toll on my mindset. From the outside, especially if you only know me through the social media lens, it seems as if I’m this uber-confident, strong woman who posts impossibly photogenic runfies and must have her world on a platter. In reality, some of that is true…but I’m just as human as everyone else. Eradicating self-doubt is just as hard for me as anyone else.
Then I realized on a deeper level why I run and why I post so many runfies, blog posts, and otherwise inspirational memes and such. Running is helping me rebuild my self-belief. Sharing my little run victories and my post run ramblings helps me feel like I can contribute something of value to the world…hopefully it serves as inspiration for you to live a healthier life and ironically, to believe in yourself! It’s always a good time to get the shit together and git ‘er done! Be Unstoppable!